Oh, hai, it’s me, that idiot who said she had “more free time” with two kids — or, at least more free time on maternity leave (try to contain your laughter).

With that 12 weeks coming to a close, the reality of what life is going to be like now is starting to set in. Meaning: a big pile of less-than-fun, with a side order of broke. I am choosing between fighting with it, laughing about it, crying about it, or buying a Greyhound ticket out of town. The husband and kids are, thank goodness, all cute and worth keeping, so I will probably do the first three to varying degrees.

Staring down the barrel of my last seven days before I go back to work, I am feeling on the verge of crying all the time. There is a part of me that is just really sad to have to work at all, to have to leave my kids with someone for most of the day. That sucks. But I have for the most part worked out those demons, so (most of the time) I feel like my sadness about going back this time is about saying goodbye to these first magical few weeks of Charlie’s life, of the on-demand snuggling time, of the teensy weensy clothes, the teensy-weensy fingers and toes and long naps in the afternoon.

The tears welling now are in part for that bittersweet goodbye, which I knew was inevitable and would happen even if I weren’t going back to work.  Another part of my anxiety is about money, primarily the nearly $1,900 check I will write each month for childcare, more than double what I was paying (teeny babies cost more cuz they are more work).  And once our daycare goddess of wonder is hit straight on by one of Captain Cutness’ farts, she may raise the price.

So, yeah, there’s that $1,000 I have to find in the budget each month. And I haven’t been doing fantastically well with the budget as it is, because hey, I’m on leave, I just had a baby and couldn’t possibly cook; we should enjoy the money before it gets tight, yada yada (those would be my rationalizations all contained in that yada yada).

Finding that money in the budget is going to be harder than just taking on a savings challenge for fun, like I did in January, because it will happen at an incredibly stressful time. Here’s how I deal with stress historically: eating and spending money. Not coincidentally, my two least favorite states of being /depression triggers are feeling fat and feeling broke. Also, if you hadn’t heard, having kids makes you fat and broke. Just so you know.

Luckily I don’t have to pay for therapy because a 4-year-old could tell me what’s going on here.  A big fat challenge is what. It’s crappy, deep-seated emotional stuff. It’s not only that I have to just be careful with spending because money is tight, it’s that I have to reverse my regular thought/action process so I don’t head to Dunkin’ Donuts for a $3 coffee or snack every time I’m feeling “extra tired” in the morning or sad that I left my baby and have to work, because that quickly becomes every morning, and $60 a month. It means I have to nag my husband about every dollar spent when I barely have time to have a real conversation with him once in the evening. It means I have to find other ways to cope and self-comfort. And I don’t have a lot of energy for that. Or time. Anyone want to sponsor a coffee-addicted working mother with a little stipend?

I drink this like MLP on "Weeds."

This adds up.
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